Tell Me You Love Me

petals floating on the waves of a violent storm
2003-04-07 @ 1:41 a.m.

I really don't know what to say; I'm falling apart at the seams, although it doesn't really seem to matter to most people. To be honest, I am trying to be as happy as I can be, but it's nearly impossible when I've got one of the most painful problems as of yet living across the hall and one door up from me. I still don't have the resolution that I was looking for; I am doubting more and more each day that I ever will. I feel worse and worse every day, and each time he brings up by paying me attention and acting as if we're back to the way things were...the painful awkward beginning stages of a new love; he just stops short, and I'm the one who keeps running and ends up falling off the cliff. I wrote him this letter, a week before spring break; he told me that he had too many things going on in his life, and when he told me what they were, it was understandable that one's life would be positively crumbling under the circumstances. I can't understand all that he's going through, and it's not even in my place try. All the same, I don't see why all of this would prevent someone from wanting to start a relationship. Especially if you really liked them. He acted as if he liked me...you don't hold someone in your arms like that and then act as if you don't care about them...it was the most sincere thing that I've ever felt in my life from a guy. Guys don't cuddle for fun...it's just not like that.

But now I'm here, and I can't understand for the fucking life of me what is going on. I write these same words all of the time. I've written them in my diary, typed them out, spoken them out loud, thought them in my head, and written them on little scraps of paper over and over and over...and no matter what, it still doesn't make sense to me. And I'm so weak, because although I write all of the time about how I don't understand...I want him back. I want him back so badly to know what he's like, to have a piece of his soul...anything just to have a little piece of him belong to me. And I want to be everything that I possibly can for him...and make him laugh, and make him smile, make him happy, and most of all to make him love. But I feel so powerless in this situation...I can only say so much before it doesn't matter anymore or gets annoying. I'm not experienced enough in love to know what to do. And I've been trying to do what my heart tells me, but I'm not sure if it's right or not. I feel that it's right, though.

I remember the night before vacation when we watched the movie together; I don't even remember what it was about, but I was just so comfortable, lying there in his arms with nothing else on my mind except the fact that I was in an incredible state of happiness...but it all faded away now...and I don't know where we stand. He tells that he doesn't want to lose me, he never wanted to hurt me AT ALL, that I "rock his sox", but all the same...where does that leave me standing?

I care about him so much...but I don't think that he feels the same. I promised myself I wouldn't slip in; I wouldn't fall in love because this has happened to me before and it's really hurt. It's hurt too much. I resisted so much at first to not feel anything. For months. I said I wouldn't fall in love...

Too late.

Ciao...

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