Today was so boring. I spent the entire day with my books at home, alternating between reading, watching television, and using the computer. My dad was supposed to come and pick us up to take us to do something, but he waited until five minutes before church to come and tell us that we had to get ready. I was so mad, because he left us here alone for about four hours, with no car, no call, and no intention of coming back to get us. This is supposed to be a family vacation. I didn't feel like going to church, so I refused, and I'm really surprised that my dad allowed that. Usually he's really strict about having me go to church every single week. We always go to Saturday mass. I'm glad that I didn't go, though. Lately, it hasn't been helping me at all to cope with anything. Call me weak, butI don't have the patience to stick it out if it's not going to help me.
Tonight when we came home, I just layed out in the grass, in the pitch blackness, and looked up at the sky. I don't know what to make of the sky. Sometimes when I look at it, I see the wonders of the world that everyone sees, the enchanting, mysterious, and beautiful night sky. Tonight when I looked up, it just seemed to be a giant piece of blue fabric, with holes punched in it for stars. No matter what I see, though, it's all too easy to become transfixed. I could have just lied there the entire night, gazing upward, were it not for the windy chill outside. I wish that there was someone to share these things with. *pouts*
Anyhow, I was reading my latest paper journal, which spans the time frame from around March or April of 2001 to present. I must say that I've changed my personality at least a little bit. I think I have a lot less self-hate then I did back then. It's not as if now I'm totally in love with myself, but I was reading the old entries, and there's all of this "...I'll never be good enough for anyone, I'm too fat..." and "...I'm so ugly..." etc., and just a lot of stuff like that. At this point in my life, I don't feel that stuff as strongly as I used to, which I guess is good. I don't know how the transformation was made, but I'm sure that it was really gradual. After 4 years of high school, I also realized that now I'm a lot less reserved and am more prepared to not let people throw shit at me. I used to be so scared of voicing my opinion and worrying what other people would think of me, and not letting other people know how I felt about them. Now it's a little bit easier to be a bit more foward, although deep down I still have a lot of that insecurity left. Overall, though, I would say that I'm evolving. Into what, I don't know. But that gradual change adds up to a lot after a while.
I think I like where I'm heading.
Tchau.