we strive to know, yet fall short
2000-10-17 @ 9:03 p.m.
Time to make this quick. I already got out all of my daily gripes and feelings to my mother. We spent the past hour discussing stuff about school and the prom. She wants me to go with the twenty year old co-op at her work if I don't have a date. I think that would be too weird, but she is trying to persuede me. Who says I won't have a date by then? I am not going to try, but if someone wants to ask me, then I'll say yes. As I have mentioned many times before, I have given up all hopes on Chris. I think you can tell that you're so over someone when you don't care what they think of you anymore, you're not afraid to talk to them, and you're not afraid of embarrassing yourself in front of them. Well, I have a few options. All I can think about it Michael, and how he said he had someone in mind. I so very doubt that it was me. But I wish it was, really I did. My mom asked me how he was today, and I just told her that I don't talk to him that much anymore, which is the truth. He's so cold to me, so I don't even care. Now that he's friends with Johnny, he's suddenly all so cool. He talks more to Kristen than he does to me because Kris is going to hook up with Johnny soon. So, seeing that they are best friends, he is always talking with her about him, blady blah blah. I am so sick of how he has already assimilated into their little group and thinks he's all that now. Last year he didn't even have a date, and he alluded to the fact that he didn't, and I had a feeling he was going to ask until I said that I already had Warren. Well, I've made a few bad mistakes in my life, and there's an example. I screwed up. I should have said, "Fuck Warren, I don't even know him. I'll go with you." But no stupid me didn't open my mouth and just let things sit as they were. I hate it how when you look back on things, you notice that if you had done something differently, it would have made all the difference. It is so depressing. To know, to realize, to finally see that I screwed up. I could have probably have made a friendship stronger. But no, I was stupid, so so so stupid and now another friend I thought I had made is drifting away from me.
But the people say to me, and even my own mind tells me to let bygones be bygones. Don't think of what could have been, because you don't really know. Focus on what you can do now to chance things. Yeah. Sure. No problem. No goddamn problem. It's not even as if we had some big fallout or anything. All the sudden it's just as if...snap...something happened that built this wall. He doesn't even say hi to me anymore, and when I say hi, he just lazily answers back without much feeling or caring. But with other people though, it's different. He used to want to tell me things, and now he doesn't anymore. If I ask him what's wrong, he'll say nothing. I don't understand what I did wrong. I didn't do anything wrong!! This problem, is a very very small part of my life. Still, it haunts me from day 'till night...I don't know why. It is not something that I think of all day either, but it is always in the back of my mind, and everytime that I see him during the day renews the thoughts. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know anything. Sometimes I feel as if I am missing out of the swing of things, just really out there, not with the rest of people on earth. I don't understand all of the things I want to, and why people act the way they do. I say I'll give up, I don't care, and I won't try to understand anymore, but it's not true. I will always come back to it and try to understand. I strive to understand everything...but sometimes it just doesn't work. This is going to keep bugging me until I get some answers, or a change.
Sorry. I said this would be short. This has been somewhat theraputic. I hate that word. It has helped me let go of some of what I feel, until the next time I have to deal with it.
Ciao...non dimenticarlo.
Before | After
