I'm trying my best to concentrate tonight so that I can do well, but I've just got so much on my mind. I am constantly wondering what is going to happen between Chris, and if anything is even going to happen. I am still scared to tell him about how I feel, despite numerous pep talks and reasons to get moving. Still, I leared that Christina has liked him too...it's so weird, because she had never said anything before, and now all of the sudden she likes him too. I found this out from Min, but Christina didn't want me to know. Sometimes this whole situation is the last thing on my mind, though. My aunt who has cancer is getting really sick. She found out today that the cancer has spread to her liver. My mom told me that her mother died of liver cancer a few weeks after she contracted it, so I don't know. I have this terribly awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that she is going to die, but I haven't admitted it to myself yet. I keep thinking that there'll be this big miracle, and she'll go on living and beat the cancer. That's how it always happens in those stories on television. Everything is neatly wrapped up in a half hour and the story is close with a family happy and smiling with their triumph over tradgedy. I won't be able to stand losing another family member. Not yet, not now...it's too soon after Nana. I will completely lose it if I have to go through with this again. Death hurts so much, and it just messes me all up inside emotionally. I can't even explain it. Everyone should die old and in their sleep, slipping away painlessly. That's how things would happen in an ideal world. But even since I was young I knew that the world was far from being ideal.
I still need to find time to do all of my college applications. It's so harrowing because I'm doing this all on my own. I don't have anyone to help me, anyone who knows what they're doing. I'm the pioneer in my family because I'm the first one to be going to college. Sure, a few of my older cousins have gone to college, and so has Guillermo, but I can't rely on my aunts to do everything for me. I have to do this all on my own, and I don't know if I can. I am starting to crack under this pressure and stress. I know what you will all say..."Welcome to life, child. Get used to it." I'm trying, I'm trying! Sometimes I just want to cry.
The worst part about being stressed and feeling bad is having to hide it from everyone. Nobody wants to be around someone who's acting all mopey and sad all of the time. I have to pretend to be cheery and happy go lucky even if I'm dying inside. That's another thing I can't stand. It's so hard. There's just too much to contend with right now. I try to get advice from others, but getting advice just makes things worse. Advice is often conflicting, making me think twice about getting advice in the first place. Perhaps I should just do things on my own and make my own concrete decisions without other people's help. I don't think that would ever work for me though. I'm too much of a weak person to make my own decisions and do something totally on my own. Oh well, just another weakness I'll have to hide away for now. Right now what I need is time to stop and think. Time to plan what direction I'm going in and anchor myself before I get swept up in the tide crashing against the shore and forcefully dragging everything out with it back into the ocean. I wish I just knew someone who I could admire for their stability of mind and direction. That would give me something to achieve, something to work towards. I guess I can't worry about that now. Even in wishing that shows my weakness to depend on others. *sigh* I better get studying for that test. I don't want to fail that badly.