I really like the entry before this one. I think it's something that I'm finally proud of. I'm not usually proud of my writitng, which is a bad thing. But that...I don't care what anybody else thinks of that. I think that it's good because I put so much emotion and so much feeling into it. It's for this boy...Chris. If you've read my journal for any length of time you've seen his name come up a lot. Seriously, I don't know what I feel anymore about him except for longing. I just want to see what it's like. Once I can finally get what I want. I'm working on getting him to ask me to the prom, or maybe I'll even ask him, but even then, that's not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for something deeper. Someone to understand me better that I can understand myself...someone who's got it all together for the most part. Someone who's always a surprise. Maybe I'm asking too much of him, and if I do end up with him I'll be disappointed. But I don't think like that. I expect the best from people, and I don't usually expect the best unless I know I can get it. Do I waste the precious words of the world on him? Do I continue to be careless and wasteful in my use of letters to devote to him? I don't think so. Maybe someday I'll learn.
Like I said, a lot has happened. My grandmother passed away...I can't even remember the exact date. It was at the beginning of the month. It was one of the hardest things ever. I could have explained it step by step to you all, every single motion taken in the two days of the wake and funeral. Still, this would not be what I want to do. I now only remember certain fragments and pieces, filling in the unknown spaces with things I make up in my mind. The abandonment of my friends and the way that they didn't understand, their lack of overall understanding. The body lying there, exposed to the chilling scent of fresh flowers. My cousin who never shows anything, crying and kissing the casket before it's lowered into the ground. How Guillermo and I both stayed strong for each other and our younger counsins until we got to the cemetary. I will never forget seeing him cry like that. Having to watch him carry the casket out of the church...Seeing my dad with the yellow rose. These are the fragments I remember. She was sick for a long time; she's on to a better place now. That helped me a little bit, but not much. I've been struggling with falling in admiration of Chris yet again. I can't decide if it's worth the risk; worth straining to juggle a life between being part of the popular, in-crowd who parties hardy every Friday night and smokes weed and does drugs in order to gain this prize. I don't know how easy it will be to take myself away from that scene once I get into it, and if I ever get into it. Maybe I don't have a lot of self control in that sense. Maybe that's why I am afraid to even try. Like I said, I don't know what I feel about this anymore. I worry about college every day; there is not a day that goes by where I do not worry about where I'm going in life. I'm so unsure. I envy the people who think they have everything all together. Even if they truly don't, they give the appearance of having it all together, which is enough to make me jealous. I want to be thin. I am sick of being the way I am. I know I'm not overweight by any means, but I want to be stick thin. I don't see what's wrong with being 5'7" and 110 pounds. I think that's what I'm going to stive for. I am not eating any more candy. I gave away everything I got for Halloween. That's it. I am sick of playing stupid games with food. I will just not eat anymore. I worry about my life and what is going to become of it. What I'm going to do to make myself worthy. What can I do to be happy? I think that's my biggest problem. I can never make myself happy no matter how hard I try.
However, this is enough reflection for tonight. I've been sick for the past week, and I'm miserable all of the time. I need to get better and start thinking with a lucid mind. I want to read books, I want to feel love, I want to know happiness. I want to go clubbing, I want to try new things, I want to learn Portuguese...so much ambition and so much wanted, but not enough time.