Well, a lot of shit has gone down the past month or so. I've still made no progress whatsoever with Chris except for the four conversations that we have had via AIM. I feel that I will never be good enough for him. That is simply awful self-image and self-esteem on my part, but I see it to be the truth. Others tell me that I should just go ahead and tell him that I like him, but it's not that easy. I have been coaxed into this many times, and then halt myself from saying anything. I know why I do this. I am afraid of what he'll say. If he tells me that he could never like me in any way, then I'll just feel totally crushed and like a piece of trash until I get over it in however many years it takes. If he says he does like me as well, I won't know how to act. I'm so inexperienced, I've never had a boyfriend, I've never kissed anyone...I don't know what I'd do because I'd be so afraid all of the time that I was disappointing him. And then if we ever did get together, it's too late to start anything because soon we'll both be going off to college. That will be the end of anything that would ever be. And I think, knowing myself, that if I don't tell him I will regret not telling him for the rest of my life. I'm just that sort of person who dwells on specific things from the past if I care about them at all. I don't know what to do. I never know what to do. I keep hoping that he'll make some sort of move so that I don't have to do it. I don't know why, but I feel so cheap and stupid even trying to get his attention or thinking about asking him to come ice skating with me or something. I mean, he's not a jerk who would say no in a mean way or anything, but it's bad enough for me if anyone says no to me at all. He's extremely nice; I know he would not do that even if he hated someone. Still, I am not a person who's used to getting an answer of "no" to anything that I want. I can usually get what I want with very little persuasion. But, you cannot make someone like you. I have always known this. So maybe it's not worth trying? It's just sometimes this week I got the smile, or I looked at his eyes, and it just reminds me of how much I like him. He's not handsome really, he's just alright. I just like him for who he is and what type of personality he has. He's incredibly smart, and he's got a very stupid sense of humor...and oh, that smile...oh. Enough of this. I'm sorry loyal diary fans. You've heard this all before, I know. I just go off on tangents of Chris admiration sometimes.
We did go out...once. Jackie and Kathleen convinced him to take us all out bowling, and I thought that it was really a lot of fun. Still, it's sort of awkward because we're both really shy. I made sure that I got shot-gun all of the time, and I even called him to tell him that we were ready to go and stuff. I mean, the whole time I was with him, my heart was just like *beat beat* all of the time because I was so happy. If that's how it feels to be happy in love, then all I can say is wow. That must be wonderful.
Tomorrow is my very last driving lesson. I'm going to have my driving test on the twenty-nineth, I think. *sings* I'm gonna get my licence, I'm gonna get my licence, YAH! I can't wait. My mom is picking up her new car tomorrow, which I am going to be able to drive as well. It's a Chevy Malibu, and it's navy blue, and really cool. I like it a lot. And and and...it has a cd player. That was the only request that I made of the new car, and I got it. Sweetness.
I have made a new friend in my ceramics class. There is this Brazilian girl named Carla, and she's just so hilarious. I knew her from seeing her in the hallways during the past years, but she always seemed so sort of snobby. I was so wrong, and she's such an incredibly nice person. We always talk in ceramics. Of course, Pollyanna is there too, my friend from calligraphy class last year. She's getting married this July, which I think is really cool and strange at the same time. Whatever makes you happy though. I want to go to bed now. I've been up since six this morning, and I've got to get up early tomorrow as well.