Tell Me You Love Me

happy new year
2001-12-31 @ 9:54 p.m.

As I sit here in my pajamas and contemplate the suckiness of this New Year's Eve in particular, I think, "What the hell was so great about 2001?" Absolutely nothing, I tell you. I am usually always out on New Year's, or there's always people here, celebrating. This year it's my family and I. That's it. I'm in my pajamas and it's only 10:00 at this moment. I have been making a mental list of all of the things that have made this year bad. I had to take the SATs 3 times, which is about 12 hours, or an entire half a day of testing time. 12 hours of my life thrown away to this crap. I had to do all of my college applications and stress forever. I made the grave mistake of taking AP Biology. My grandmother died. September 11th. I never told Chris that I like him. I didn't work during the summer. I made a few enemies at school. I lost contact with Kerri because of her boyfriend, lost contact with Erin, and with Suzanne. Lost contact with Yumi. Went alone to the junior prom. Went with a scary loser to the senior prom. I can't remember all of the bad things that happened from January to April, but I'm sure there's a few. I think this is one of the worst years I've had in a while. I am so praying that 2002 will be different. First of all, it's an even number, so automatically that means that it's got to be better. I hate most odd numbers. I am going to make it better on my own. I think the first thing I am going to do is lose at least 15 pounds. That will bring me down around 120. I eat way too much shit that I don't even want. I can control it easily, but I'm just too lazy to do so. I want to weigh less because skinny people always have better clothes. I love my clothes, but they would all look better if they were a few sizes smaller. Anyway, who cares? It's not one of my most important goals.

It's 10:10 now. My, how time flies. I should be doing something productive, but I can't help myself. I should start working on my CSS profiling for financial-aid for college. Children of America, I don't care how old you are. If you plan on going to college, start filling out that form NOW. Or at least learn how to fill it out. It has thirteen pages of questions about your finances. It's a royal pain. I have to make sure I know when all of the deadlines for financial aid are so I can get everything in on time. I am not so worried about school and everything now. I really won't care after second quarter, but I still have to do my science fair project. I think I'll be prepared for college because I am put through absolute torturous hell with my classes now. Still, I'll pretend I don't know what I'm to expect, and then maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised. I'm going to try to be more optimistic in 2002. I make myself all of these promises, but we'll see how long it all lasts.

I want to be happy. I don't know if I can acheive that this year. I don't even have a real sense of what being happy is. It's almost impossible to be truly happy. Oh well, I'll try. I'm going to be optimistic, remember?

I got a few prom magazines today. I want to find a really cool dress before they end up being all picked over and gross. I think maybe I want something that's either pink or black. Maybe blue again. I don't know what type of style I want, though. I'm not even that excited about it. Maybe I will be if I get a good date, or I get Chris as a date. *dreamy smile* Okay, snap out of it, you. I am hoping that when I finally end up going to the Brazilian night club I'll get some hot guy's number, and then I'll call him. (No. Stop. I will give him my number and he will call me.) Then, maybe I'll get him to go to the prom with me. Carla finally called me last night when Kathleen and Christina were over. She lost her cell phone, and called me the second that she got it back. She wanted to go out last night, but she was sick, and I was all scrubby from a day of ice skating, so we agreed that the next day we have a Monday off from school we can go out. I am so happy that I made a new friend. She's really cool. Well, I'll see her once we get back to school on Wednesday.

I've had enough of this writing for now. I'm ready to sit back and let the year roll in. No frill, no nothing. This will be a crappy New Year's to sum up a crappy year. We probably won't even have any champagne. It's gross anyway. Well, maybe I'll just pop open a Corona or down a nice shot of whiskey. j/k Well, I'll go investigate the rest of the house and see what's going on.

Ciao.

Before | After