Speaking of such things, there is another spirit that I will just have to break before it even thinks of going anywhere further. There is this really annoying kid who is in my history class as well as my physics class. I think he has a crush on me. I know he does, because I can just tell. God forgive me, but he is just so nasty that I don't even want to look at him. He is okay as far as people go, I suppose. I tell this to myself in my head, and it breaks my heart to write it down. I can't even look at myself now, saying these things. I feel awful, but I have to face it, because I don't like him, and I don't want him to like me. The only way I can do that is by continually shooting him down. Right now he is just trying to act nice and be my friend, but I know where that leads. I'm not going to let it bother me. I had nightmare the other night that he asked me to the prom. I am so hoping that he won't, because I won't know what to say. I don't like him and I don't want to go with him, but I don't have anyone else to go with either. I am girl of high standards, though. As far as Kathleen said, someone has to be worthy of me. I know that sounds so snobbish, but...my God, it does. It sounds awful. I just sound like an awful person. I was thinking about deleting this paragraph, because it shows a side of me that I don't want to be seen, but what good is it if you hide your true self? That's not being fair to yourself or to others. So here is my ugliness, staring me readily in the face. The crude, cruel, and evil side of me.
Today was another day during which I was extremely tired and not feeling well. I wasn't ready for anything at all, and I just craved sleep. I am glad that tomorrow should be an easy day. Hopefully it shall be. I was happy this afternoon, singing and laughing like there was not tomorrow, but as you can see, that changed very quickly. Tomorrow I have to go to Cookies and Dough to work. Right now I have two part time jobs. Cookies and Dough, and babysitting for Gussie. So, I think that I am holding my own for now. Too bad all of the money is going to have to go towards my giant debt that I'm paying for Spain.
Today is already February first. Can you believe it? Pretty soon Valentine's Day will be here, which is pretty sucky. I'll make it through. I'll make it through everything. I keep saying, "I'll be fine once...(insert event here) is finished with." If I keep saying this, I am going to be wasting my life away. I don't know what I'm doing; I'm such a loser.