I think that when I finally go to the movies or out to dinner, or whatever with Jefferson, it will be nice. Kathleen is desperately trying to get me to hang out with this kid Dave from her work and his friend Pat because Kathleen likes Dave, and Pat supposedly likes me. I don't think I even want to get into that because first of all, these kids are a year younger than me. Second of all, they might be ugly. Plus, anyone who is friends with this kid Dave has got to die. So there you have it in a nutshell. He's always so mean to Kathleen, and he never calls her back when she calls him, and he always cancels any plans that she makes with him. I don't know why she likes him at all. I just can't understand it.
I keep thinking of what my friends would say if I took Jefferson with me to the prom. They would think that I was a total weirdo. I wouldn't care though, that's for sure. I mean, here's a guy that likes me, or has at least made an effort to tell me that he likes me. I met him one night, we didn't really talk or anything, but he drove me home from the club and told Carla that I was a sweet girl. What can I say? He wants to talk to me on the phone, (although we never have), and last week he sent me a rose with a little note in it. I know he can't write in English, so I'm sure it took him a long time to do, and wasn't that sweet? I wrote him a thank-you note back, and Carla told me that she had to read it to him about five million times because he just kept wanting to hear it. I can't help it! The rational part of me with my feet on the ground tells me that I'm being stupid and that it's dumb to want to like a person who's a lot older than you, and barely even knows you and sends you flowers, and can't speak to you in English. But the part of me that's not rational tells me to just let go of my inhibitions and take a chance. It tells me that it's possible to like someone without them being perfect, because they've shown that they liked you. I want to let go of what everyone else thinks I should do and do what makes me happy. This sort of stuff is a big deal for me.
I read that little note that came with the flower at least once each day, and always once before I go to bed. The flower is still on my computer desk, wilting a little bit but nonetheless pretty. I'm not going to say that I'm infatuated with the guy or anything, but from what I've seen he seems adoring and just wonderful. And I'm ready to take a chance this time. With or without the obstacles. I hate regretting things over and over again. I have said it once, and I will say it again. I am going to do what will make me happy. That's what's the most important.
I feel really frustrated sometimes because I just want to talk to him or meet him to go out, or something. I hope that once we go out once, things will just become easier from there. I don't know what it's like to have a boyfriend, or to spend time with a guy at all. I've never kissed a guy in my life either. I think it's about time I got some practice. It's not even that I'm particularly looking for a boyfriend or anything. At times I could care less. It's just nice to make friends, and if perchance something should become of it, all the better for me. My intention of getting to know Jefferson better is certainly not an attempt to obtain a boyfriend. If it happens, it happens, but otherwise I don't care. It's hard to make other people understand that, especially my friends. I know how I feel, but it's a really big struggle between these so called things such as 'rationality' and 'logic', and just following my instincts and heart.
Well, it's really late and I should probably sleep sometime or later. Now would be best. I'm sorry, to anyone who reads this, to have to listen to my constant whining and confusion.