i'm losing will to fight it
2001-03-19 @ 8:36 p.m.

Wow, this life is pretty hectic. Half of the time I don't really understand what I'm doing. There's often plenty of wonderful things that manage to make my life five times more complicted than it should be. Yesterday was so surreal, that I can't even figure out if it really happened or not. In the morning, I went to the wake of Jackie's aunt. You have to understand that I have never been to a wake, and I was a little bit scared about what to expect from it. I mean, I didn't know what it was all about and how to act and stuff, but my mom still thought that it would be a good idea because she knew that Jackie was hurting, and it would be good to show support for her. So anyway, I we got there, and everyone was queueing outside for a turn to get into the funeral home. There was a really long line outside, so I joined up with my mom and dad. It was cold outside. I was shaking because I was really scared, but everyone just thought it was because I was cold. I was getting all freaked out. We finally get in the door, and you just get this really strong smell of flowers that have permeated the area and linger in the air. They're so sweet and sicking that it almost wants to make you faint. When we walked into the room, it was almost dark, save the dull, pink, opaque light coming in from the heavy drawn curtains. I see loads more flowers, and a shiny casket made of a dark type of wood. There are lots of people crying, and I feel as if I just may start too. I kneel down to say a prayer in front of the casket, and I am shaking again. I walk through the line of family, not knowing what to say, knowing I cannot possibly comfort them. I shake hands, give hugs, explain who I am. And then it's over, and I can leave. I feel a little dizzy and strange now, trying to take in everything that just happened. It's so strange, and it seems as if it never happened. I still thought of it today, and I had dreams of it last night. It was terrifying.

After that, we went out for dinner, and it seemed as if nothing had ever happened, except for the fact that something such had been ingrained deeply and shoved to the back of my mind. At the Italian restauraunt, I ate raviolis and listened to a man play the accordian serenading any who were near. Into Boston now, to see the show. The Beauty and the Beast musical. I enjoyed it, but find it hard to recall what I really saw. But I know that I enjoyed it then. After that, out for ice cream. I vaguely remember this. I was terribly distracted that night. This morning I was really sick from eating the ice cream last night, and suffered through some hellish cramps. I went into school late, just so that I wouldn't have to miss a whole day. When I got there, I felt so strange and misplaced. I walked into Spanish and had no idea what was going on, and felt as if I didn't really fit in at all. It was so weird.

I got my egg today for the egg project in psychology. I have named her Miranda. I like it because it sort of sounds Spanish, and well...I like it. I like Spanish people...hehe. I caught Antonio looking at me at lunch today. I don't usually have the same lunch period as he does, but Kathleen and I snuck out of gym because we were bored, and went to the other lunch. I still think that he is just shy, and not really a big snob. I mean, he just came here at the beginning of the year, and it's probably hard to make friends when everyone is always so cliquey. He's really very cute, and I hope he's not gay. So anyway, I am still feeling bit pressured over this whole going to the senior prom thing. Now, I know that Kathleen wants to make me go with this kid who doesn't have a date, and it would be fun, but I don't know him, first of all. Kathleen said that she gave him my screen name, but I know how boys are, and I know that he is not going to im me or anything, so that's that. Second of all, the prom is on the night before my dress rehersal for dancing, which is also the same day that the SATs are being given. I cannot stay up so late, then take the SATs, then go and dance with my makeup and costumes and everything. I just can't do it, damnnit!! I have to register this week too. Plus, I have two projects and an essay due this week, SAT sign up, and a research paper as well, and did I mention the history test that covers three chapters on Thursday? Yeah, so I'm pretty busy this week, in between baby sitting and school work, and after school crap that is 'obligatory'. But I'm not going to bitch about my problems, because, well, I already have.

Ciao.

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