Enough, though. To start off, I've been rejected from all but three of the colleges that I applied to. I knew they were long shots, but I thought that I would get into at least one. I did so much work on my applications to make sure that they were perfect, and I knew that my interviews went well too. I got rejected from six schools. SIX. I cannot beleive it. I got rejected from New York University, Yale, Bowdoin, Hamilton, I got waitlisted by Boston College, and then I got rejected from Columbia. That was the part that stung the most. I wanted to go there so badly, because I knew that if I could get in there, my problems for the future would be solved. They are a prestigious school when it comes to journalism, and that's what I want to major in. All of the big magazine companies are based in New York, and it would have been perfect to get an internship. Yet, the world comes crashing down, and I got rejected. I didn't count on getting in, but I had this glimmer of hope. I set such high expectations for myself, and I failed.
The thing that makes me the most mad is that everyone at school who's getting scholarships and good deals is a minority. I seriously don't have a problem with race at all, but this is so unfair. They may not be particularly good students, but they'll get the upper-edge because of their minority status. One of the girls knew she was going to get into Harvard. She had it in the bag. Yet, she still applied to three other Ivy League schools and got accepted, knowing that she would attend none of them. She did it to have a feather in her cap, and that makes me mad. There are a lot of other students from my school who deserved and would have died for those places at Brown, Princeton, and Yale. Everyone thinks it's so great that she did this, and it is. But I've come to realize that many college institutions are extremely corrupt. She's smart, but no smarter than myself or some of my other friends. Definetly not fair. I don't think there will ever be a balence in which race doesn't have to be considered.
I cried when I got those rejections. I felt the worst I have felt in my life this week, partly due to that. The rejections make you feel as if you're not good enough for anything, and that you've failed in life already and are doomed to have a horrible life. I know you're not supposed to feel this way, but that's just the way I feel. I stayed home on Thursday of last week because of all of the badness in my life. I just needed a day to get away from everything and be alone to think. I cleaned the entire house that day, which made me feel a little bit better.
My friends are still being their own selves. Kathleen is still driving the world crazy about Dave, and is starting to spend more time with him. It won't be long before we have the entire Chris scenario repeating itself all over again. Christina has just been sort of quiet; Havovi, reclusive. Jackie's just distant...everyone is off in their own little world, including me. We all got into an argument with Kathleen over getting a limo for the prom because none of us wanted to get one, but she did. I didn't want one because I didn't want to be tied to going in the limo with them if in fact I went with Jefferson. I figured in that case we would go with Carla in her limo or drive there. But, I don't think I'm going to the prom with him anymore. (His choice, not mine.) So now I'm basically screwed and am going to show up alone and without a date.
The prom thing has been another crazy ride that I don't even want to think about. It's not so much the prom thing, it's more about Jefferson. The last time we spoke, dear diary readers, I hadn't heard a word from the mystery guy. Yet, some time later, Carla invited Kathleen and I to go out to a party with her and sleep over her house. Jefferson really wanted me to come. I wanted to go a lot, and I did go, but Kathleen just said she was going to go and then ditched me at the last minute, which I expected anyway. I had so much fun. SO much. We went to the party, and he was just so sweet. He brought me drinks, made sure that I felt comfortable there, and we even practiced dancing. I suck, and people made fun of me, but I didn't care. He put his arms around my waist when we were standing watching other people dance, and it was just so nice. When we were running out to the car it was raining, and he just put his arm around me, mine around him, and we ran to the car, laughing. I've been playing that over in my head so many times...I don't think we got home until around 4 o'clock, and I only slept until 8. I looked like hell the next day, but I didn't care. After breakfast he asked me if I wanted to go to Goodtimes, but I thought that I was going to start getting home so I said no. Yet, I stayed there until around 7 because Carla was going to a concert that night and I helped her get ready and straightened her hair for her. I felt really bad about that. Still, a week later he sent me a cute stuffed dog, and it smelled like his cologne. It was so sweet of him. Obviously, after seeing me at my worst and knowing that I can't dance, he still sent me a present. That means something. I wrote him a really nice thank-you letter and had Carla give it to him. I also asked him if he would go to the prom with me, because I knew that he wanted to go.
So, here it is, and still no answer. I called Carla several times this week, because she told me that she would call me, and never did. She's been working a full week, and I know school has been a lot. But, I called her last night after she got out of work because I was babysitting, and I talked to her for a few minutes before she left to drive her mom somewhere. In those ten minutes, I found out something that really hurt me a lot. I guess Jefferson has been dating this girl, and the whole family just hates her. But still, why would he go and do that? I mean, he clearly showed that he liked ME, and I like him. And then, this...I didn't even beleive her at first. I don't know, is 'dating' someone the same as saying that they're your girlfriend? My mom told me not to worry about it too much, and that I should still show my interest in him anyway. I don't care what he does with himself if he doesn't like me, but i at least want him to come to the prom. I mean, it just doesn't make send. You don't just do such nice things for a girl and then forget about them. Obviously the feelings are still there. I will persevere and get him back.
Still, I don't know that many details about what is going on. Carla has the tendency to never call me back or anything, so it's all up to me. I called her today and left a pathetic message telling her that I just really needed to talk to her and that it's important. I'm going to get his cell phone number and leave him a message. I don't know if she'll call back, but we'll find out tonight. If not, I don't know what I'm going to do. He's the first guy that's liked me that I've actually liked, so this is just totally unfair. I don't know what to do.
I've been moping around all week, and it's been horrible. My mom has been really nice to me and tries to help me and make me feel happier, but it's really hard. My friends are just...there. Except for Minhua, because she at least tries to support my decisions and listens to what I have to say. She gave me this really nice card and a Beanie Baby on Wednesday because she knew I was just having a really tough time. It was so thougtful of her to do something like that for me, and I appreciate it so much. Still, nothing I do to try to ease the pain or at least forget about it for awhile has been helping. I just end up feeling worse after. Everything seems so hopeless.
I wish I knew the whole story about what was going on with Jefferson. Did he really change his mind about me? I don't think so. Did he get tired of waiting? Is it because I can't speak Portuguese? I don't know if I will ever know. Maybe it's because I suck at dancing? Something's missing in translation here, and I want to find out what it is.
Nevertheless, not a lot of good is in my life at the moment. I'm just sort of hanging here, waiting for things to happen because I've done as much as I can about the situation on my own. I got into Ithaca College, Elon University, and Umass Amherst. That's it. Those are my choices now. I'm leaning towards Umass for a few reasons. 1. It is a lot less expensive than most other schools. 2. I won a tuition waiver for there. 3. I got pretty good financial aid, otherwise. 4. I can get a car. 5. I can come home on the weekend with a 2 hour or so drive.
That is so important to me, to be able to come home, because I want to be able to stay in touch with my family and friends that are staying behind. I know that I'll make new friends and have fun at college, but I want to have the option of coming home on a Friday and going out to the Roxy or Venu with Carla or visiting Kathleen at B.C., or making plans to go out to dinner with Min, or taking my sister out to do something. I thought I wanted to get away as far as I could, and in the beginning I did. But forget that shit. You can get away from your home to have your "college experience" without traveling halfway around the country. I know I'll be fine. The only thing that is holding me back from Umass is the fact that I will be letting all of my friends down because they thought that I would definetly end up getting into Columbia or another top-notch school. I don't need that distinction to make me happy or feel important, but there's a lot of pressure from the eyes of everyone at school, knowing that they will watch what I do, where I go, and they will talk about it.
So many insecurities, so much messed up shit in my life. Besides all of that I've had to deal with an insane amount of schoolwork, babysitting a lot, and tons of extra dance practice. Everything just keeps piling up. I have one more week of school, and then a week of vacation. I cannot wait, because my family and I are going to New York City for a few days, just to get away from our normal lives here. It will be a nice thing, I'm sure. I need to get away from this house, these people, and my problems. I can come back to them later, but I just need to put it in the back of my head for a while.
Well, that's all I have to talk about for now. I've been writing for nearly and hour...well, in fact, more than an hour. Carla still hasn't called me. I bet she won't, either...