I have a tremendous amount of work to be done on stupid Hamlet, which is also driving me crazy. I could have done it today during school, save the fact that I left my book at home, figuring that I wouldn't need it. I hate this stupidity. I have nothing to wear, as all of my clothes are packed away in my suitcase, or at least waiting to be packed away. The weather that we're dealing with now is really very spring-ish and warm, so I don't have that many clothes for the season as it is. Now it's just hit, and all of my spring clothes are packed away. I just can't wait until I can leave this place behind, as I've been saying for the past few months. I seriously think, with all my heart, that I need to get away and find refuge and beauty somewhere else in this world, just for a while. Only a week, that is all I am asking for. There is nothing I want more than what I am getting, so I will not complain.
I don't think that I ever got to talk of my "date" that I went on last Friday night. It was not so fun, but it was good enough I suppose. I had been dreading it for so long, as I did not want to go anywhere with Joe alone, or even with Kathleen and Chris. We wanted to go to the movies, but when Joe called me later on that evening, the earliest showing of "The Mexican" was at nine thirty, so we would have to find something to do until then. We all decided to go out for ice cream. Turns out, the waitress is my second cousin, who makes me seem like a fool for being related to her. She served two banana splits instead of the one that Chris and Kathleen asked for, and then forgot to put the banana in both of them. Kathleen was freaking out, and didn't really enjoy her ice cream at all. I wasn't hungry, as I had just eaten supper, so I just picked at my ice cream and then left most of it to turn into a melted dish of goo. The whole time, I didn't really talk that much to Joe, simply because I didn't have much to say. I mean, it's so awkward when you know someone likes you, and you don't truly like them back, and you just...well, you don't know what to do. After the ice cream disaster, we had about an hour to kill, so we trekked to the mall.
The mall was so very un-happing that it was not funny. There was simply nothing to do there. We walked around for a while, and then left. Again, I got a chance to feel awkward, because we're dealing with Kathleen and Chris, who are the two lovebirds. We drive to the movie theater, and go to buy tickets. The guy at the booth says we need an id, and even though Chris has one, he won't let us buy more than one ticket. Now, we can't go and see the movie either. So, we stand around a while, looking like idiots with nothing to do, and then we take action and opt to go and rent a movie and watch it at Kathleen's house. This is all fine and good. We are in Hollywood Video for about a half an hour picking out a movie, then finally settled on watching "Meet the Parents". We go to Kathleen's house to watch the movie, sitting down on her couch. (God, I hate reliving this moment by even typing just the words.) Kathleen and Chris are making out next to us, and I'm just sitting there, virtually helpless, trying to just laugh at the movie to take my mind off of being in this situation that I did not want to be in. I mean, I would seriously have preferred to have been at home reading a book or something. We're just sitting there, and finally he puts his arm around me, and I let him. I am the stupid one now, because I let him. I didn't say no, I didn't move his arm, and I didn't try to stop it. Sure, it's no big deal to you, but you're not the one who has to deal with it. I am so not interested in him like that, and here I am, letting him think that I am. That is so trashy and wrong of me, but I didn't know what to do. After the movie, Chris drove Joe home, and me after. I just said goodbye when he left the car, and he acted as if he wanted something more. I wasn't about to kiss him. Then, I have Chris asking me during the ride home what I think the "prospects" are between Joe and I. Give me a break, please. I cannot fathom why he is asking me such things. It is impossible in that group of people, to tell one person something, and then not have all the others know. When I got home, I said thank you for the ride, and then went to bed right away, just so I didn't have to think. When I woke up the next morning, my neck was stiff from the way I had been sitting the previous night.
So, this little escapade brings me to this morning. Kathleen asked me how my Friday night was. I yelled at her and told her that she was with me on Friday night, so she should know. She felt bad after that, and told me that Chris and all of Joe's other friend's had kept on asking her about whether or not I liked him, and blah blah blah. She told me that what she wanted was to find him a date to the prom with someone who was a friend, so she chose me. She never anticipated anything more, and I told her that I didn't either. So, she told Joe this morning that I wasn't really ready for anything, and wanted him to stop with whatever sort of things he was planning and just give me time. I felt cheap in that I should have said it myself, but it is hard to talk at lunch with eveyrone around listening to me. If I talk to him online later, or on the phone or something, then I'll tell him myself, simply 'cos he needs to hear it from me, so that it sinks in. After all, I must not waste this so called 'first kiss'. There is truly only one person in my mind at the moment that I long to share the moment with, but I think, (no, I know...), that we are too far away. So, I will wait, until I hear that he has already had his first kiss, and then it won't matter anymore.
Moving on, the past two nights, I have had dreams with Chris in them. It's so weird, because I never really had any dreams with him in them before, and now I do. It's funny, because the two consecutive dreams match up to the two soda tabs that I keep on my pencil case. You know about that stupid superstition where you flip the tab on the soda can up, marking each time you flip it with a letter until it breaks off. Then you toss it, and depending on what side it lands on, you pick either a first name or a last name of a person that you like, and your wish about them is supposed to come true. I have two tabs for him, and I keep them with me. It is such a stupid thing, considering that I don't like him anymore, but still...It couldn't hurt to do something like that, could it?
Well, I have been idle writing this for almost an hour now, so I'd better stop it and do whatever else has to be done, you know? I just felt like I had a lot to say from not writing for so long in my journal, and when I don't tell anybody, it just gets to be so very much. I had to take a placement test today for Calculus next year, and I forgot how to do everything that I needed to. I didn't enjoy that at all. I was happy that Ms. Lee was out though, 'cos I hate her guts. Tomorrow, Mr. Burke, my best friend, will be out, so I guess I will miss him. His class can get just a little too boring though, so I don't really care. My prom dress should be arriving in two days time, which is cool. I am looking foward to it. Dancing costumes will be gotten tomorrow, and ah, well, I think that's all for now. Hey everyone, have a spiffy night, and if you read down this far, I love 'ya.