I miss Kathleen. I am very jealous, because she hasn't called me or attempted to talk to me since spring break back in March. Now she's working the 9-5 for the entire summer at Tufts, and spending all of her extra time with him. I did call her the other night because I was sick of not talking to her and missing her so much. What I got was a 10 minute phone conversation, with 1 of those minutes being spent talking to Eric. I mean, I know that she's busy, but whenever she has a boyfriend, then she totally ignores me. She always says that she wants to do all of this stuff at home, but...I don't know. I feel like everyone's (as in all of my friends) have lives that are changing so much, whereas mine is staying static. I have friends with new college boyfriends, ones that have moved far away to discover a new adventure in far away places, one who is having a baby and getting married, moving into a new apartment, etc. I'm so static...nothing changes in my life like it does in theirs. I'm stuck in this shallow hell-hole of a place that churns out half-qualified students with broken dreams of ever getting anywhere in life. I don't know what's going to happen to me. I feel like I've passed a year and have nothing to show for it. Nothing at all. In the process I've alienated myself from people up here as well as lost my friends at home to the importances in their own lives. I always feel like I'm not an important part of anyone's life. It's never the case...I forgot how much all of my friends take me for granted, no matter how much of a "best friend" then are. I think Carla is the only one who makes me feel as if she needs me at times. Kathleen is starting to seem to so fake to me with the way that she talks about how she misses me so much and wants to do things together. I mean, seriously now...she does have Eric, and that's all that matters for her. If she really cared about me very much, then she would have at least called, or answered the letters that I sent her, or SOMETHING. I know that she's busy, I tell myself that every single day because I know that she is, but all the same, I am busy as well, and still find time for my friends. I feel like everyone's step stool. I can help, but then it's easy to just let me fade into the background and forget that I'm there. I have serious issues sometimes. Why do I think like this? It can't be entirely in my head to think this way...
Even my sister has more of a life than me. My 14 year old sister. She has to deal with a lot of shit too...I guess I'm just at a point in my life where I can't figure out who my real friends are, and I'm not adjusting to everyone growing up yet. That's what a lot of people's lives are about...their boyfriends, family, jobs. I understand, but it's hard for me to not feel neglected, seeing as I don't have any of those things. Maybe I'm just a horrible friend. I DON'T KNOW!! I just want to die sometimes, so I don't have to think about this at all.
No one reads this diary, so I don't really care what I write, but it's just a way of getting out pent up emotions for me. I want to just get into my car and drive so far away...