This morning was really fun. I skipped first and second period and me and eight of my friends from calculus class went out to eat breakfast at this little place in Union Square called Neighborhood breakfast. It was this Portuguese-American restaurant, and they gave us SO much food. It was really good, and I had such a fun time. I want to go back there one of these days for breakfast again. After that we just trotted around for a while and bought some candy, and then returned for school. The secretary in the office was really pissed, but our building master and his secretary were happy that we went out and had fun, so I didn't care. I feigned sickness as my reason for arriving late to class so that my AP Biology teacher would not get mad, even though I had a late slip. I was supposed to go to her early-morning review session, and I didn't want to go, so at least I got out of spending two periods with her.
Umm..after that in English we watched Pleasantville, and then in Studio Art I finished my Georgia O'Keefe type painting and it looked really nice. At lunch, I sat there and didn't eat 'cos I was full from breakfast, and for sixth and seventh I decorated the cafeteria for a Student Council party that was going to happen today.
So, the day was not that bad...
After school I went to get my overnight bag from Carla's car because I stayed over there Tuesday night because Wednesday was hat day and we went to school together. She was feeling crappy because she had to go to work, so I felt bad. She told me once again that Jeverson is coming with me to the prom, so that made me happy too. I'm getting a little nervous, just because I'm afraid that he's going to back out at the last minute, or that he doesn't really want to go, but I don't know. But still, he said that he was going, and that's all that matters.
After this conversation, I went back into the cafeteria for the party, and I think that's when it started to set in. They were having pizza, and it was noisy, and I wasn't hungry, and it was just like I had to get out of there as fast as I could. I sat there for a few minutes more and just HAD to leave. I called my mom to see if she would give me a ride because it was cold and raining and I didn't have a coat. But, no one was home, even my sister.
I waited for the bus outside, and then walked home. I came home, and my bed was unmade, my room is a mess, and I wanted to fall asleep and just die for awhile. I turned on some Lifehouse and laid down...I was asleep until the stupid IM thing started to beep and beep, and then the phone was ringing too. Damn. Then I remembered that I have to go to dancing, which made me feel horrible.
I don't know why things got like that all of the sudden. I just don't know. It was like a sudden sense of hopelessness and heavy sadness that won't go away. Maybe going to dancing will help, even though I don't want to.
I have found that being idle is a great source of sadness to me. When I try to nap now, I start to get strange dreams in my head, and if I do anything that involved like, being quiet or bored, I just can't take it. The napping part is especially hard, because I love to nap, and it just feels so weird to not be able to sleep comfortably anymore. I'm sure it will go away after a while. I just don't know what is wrong with me. I have got to get a job, because no matter how much I hate it, at least it will be something to do, and really need to get into a working schedule to prevent becoming idle.
I just have to keep thinking that things are not that bad...because they're not. But something is wrong, or just missing, and I can't figure it out. I don't want to leave for college anymore...I'm getting scared...and I just wish Jev would come around...I can't be dealing with someone so unreliable...although every day I always think of him, and hope that he's just doing okay.
And I miss Jason. He's never online anymore. At least he hasn't been for about two weeks. I don't know whether to be really worried or not. I mean, I know that it's AP week this week and next, but...I don't think that would prevent him from going online. I need his advice and encouragement, and I just want to know how his life is, what's up, etc. I don't know.
It's so strange how it's easily to feel totally abandoned when even just one or two of your friends is busy/having a hard time with life.
Well, I'd better get ready for dancing, because it's getting late. And I want to clean my room tonight...it's an absolute pit.