My summer has been going pretty well so far, and I feel so disconnected from school. I don't think I will have a hard time at all missing anyone from that place. They are just friends for high school, and I know I will leave them behind when the school is gone as well. Even Jackie, who is supposedly my "best friend" will be in the dust. I will find it very easy to say goodbye to all of them. Jackie hasn't even called me since Kristen got back from Puerto Rico. She doesn't need me around anymore, now that Kristen is here. But that's okay.
If I were to miss one person, it might be Mindy, just because she is so nice and caring. But even she hasn't called me at all or anything. Her birthday party is coming up in August, and I'm glad that I will be able to go. I would probably miss Kathleen too, but still, I will get over it in time. I am ready to meet some true people who will love to be my best friend forever. But I shouldn't say that about Kathleen, because I truly do adore her, and I think that she is a terrific friend. Still, I wonder if in college I will meet people who will want to be my friend. Everyone I know is so different from me, and that's not a bad thing, but I can't stand when people are shallow. A lot of people in my little "clique" are like that. I am not usually so deep, but when I spend a lot of time alone, as I have been doing this summer, I find that I can be a very different person. It's kind of spiritual, but not in a religious way. I don't know. It's just different. My thought span a wide range when I'm by myself. I think of everything under the sun. My mind isn't cluttered with the simplicity of people's banter and petty problems. I can just be alone.
But it's not fair to say that I don't like going out with my friends and have fun. That's not true. I love going out, partying, and all of that. It's just that sometimes I feel that my friends don't like me for me. They like me because I am another person who fits into their group. They ask me to be there, so I can be with them. But truth be told, I don't fit into any group at school. It is kind of depressing, but I don't. I have my main group, with the girls like Jackie, Kristen, Mindy, Michelle and Lizzy. Then there is the group of Asian girls I sometimes hang out with. I do not fit in with them, and I will never be accepted into their group. Although they like me and we are all good friends, I think that nationalism will always draw a line between us. Kathleen's group is all of the alternative people along with some of the outcasts. They are all cool with each other. Overall, they are all nice people and would be a nice group to belong to. But I don't fit in with them either. I have none of the same interests as them, and I don't dress like them either. I am just me. And people are just people. But these walls are built so that people feel safe. They have something to hide behind now, and others to keep them company. That's all they need. But I am part of something different.
Take my friend Jessie, for instance. She is going to be fifteen soon. I am now sixteen. Usually we have two years between us. But we get along so well. I don't know if it is because we are both the intellectual type, or if there is something there I just don't see. I think, if I could be, would tend to be the person who sticks with one other person as their best friend forever, because this other person would be an outcast like you. I mean, like I mentioned before, I have friends in all different groups. I'm just saying that this is what would probably happen if I were ever to be put in that position.
I think moving is the thing that changed everything in my life. Even though it was nine years ago, I still wonder what my life would have been like if I stayed where I was. I would have that one friend, my friend Melissa, and probably my old friend Ryan that I used to hate so much. But now I am just all screwed up. I'm friends with people I used to hate, just because they grew to accept me. And when I think about that now, it just doesn't seem right.
But the sad thing is, when I go back to school, everything will go back to normal, or so it seems. I will seem unchanged, while everyone else around me seems different. I'll be working on my AP classes, taking driver's ed, and just being the way I usually am. But I know, that I'm different now. Maybe just more understanding, more knowing of things. I hope it will work to my advantage. But when it comes to worrying about life, maybe I should just slow down. Life's too short to worry about all this. Take each day, as it comes, and plan what your next move will be.
That's what life's all about, right?