I know I haven't written in awhile, but I haven't really been doing much. Joe has since stopped talking to me, even though I know that he wants to. The other day he asked me if we could ever hang out together, just us. I told him the truth. I told him that I would be uncomfortable with that. I guess he didn't really take it well at all, because now he never talks to me online any more. I want to be friends, and I want to still be able to talk to him and everything, but it's so hard to say that without worrying that he'll take it the wrong way. I don't mind when he calls me, and I don't mind going out places, but just as friends. I was only thinking about it because I was talking with my aunt today, I guess. I just wish things were easier. People always say they're only as difficult as you make them. I'm sorry I was so mean, and I'm sorry that I can't make him happy by only remaining friends. Maybe I'm just a selfish bitch who only thinks of herself.
I hate writing now, because I always let my mind run loose, thinking of too many troubling things at a time. I always think about college, and all of my obligations, and things that I SHOULD do, and it's just so very overwhelming. I just used a double adverb, and even that's overwhelming. I make mistakes, even stupid ones like that, and I can't help but dwell on them. I think there's something awful about me that always craves perfection. It's so dangerous though. Things that I have to do, things that I should do, regrets of things that I had the chance to do and didn't. Oh, screw it all, really...I can't think about it too much. Or else it just drives me crazy. I'll just turn up 'New York City Boy' by the Pet Shop Boys. They played that on the club boat when I was in Spain, so I always remember it. I don't know why. It cheers me up a little bit, though.
*throws candy necklace in the trash* I guess I won't be needing this. Stupid chalky tasting candy...die! It's so annoying when there's no one to talk to online. I hate it! I just can't function like that. At least I can write this in peace. I need something engaging to do, something worthwhile. Something that will make me happy. I've been having so many freaky dreams the past few days that it's been scaring me. They're not so very vivid, but dull and very straight to the point. At least that's how they've been lately. I hate what they're about, beacuse they always bring back my fears and that terrible loose state of mind that I was talking about before. I think I'll stop now, and go and do something that will take my mind off of everything.