Tell Me You Love Me

anxieties of another kind
2001-08-16 @ 9:47 p.m.

I am so aggravated right now. I've been trying to set up Postpet for quite some time right now, and it is royally pissing me off. That and the fact that there is no one online to talk to is not making me a very happy camper. I'm stressed out because I have soccer practice tomorrow, and it's a formal practice. I don't have any of the equiptment that I need to play, such as shin guards and cleats. This means that I am going to have to go out later tomorrow or during the weekend and get all of that stuff. I've been thinking about soccer again, and I'm wavering between playing and not. I know I said that this time I wouldn't back down, but it just seems like a really stressful thing to get into at this stage of the game. It's way too late to make anything positive of it on my college resume, and it's going to take up such a lot of time. Still, I told everyone that I was going to play, and I better go through with my original decicion and just play. I have to get up early tomorrow and go play, which really sucks. That and the fact that the practice is halfway across the city, which means that I am going to have to get up even earlier. I am seriously not in the mood for any of this crap. I don't know why I've gotten into such a bad mood, but I guess it's just a bunch of things combined. I had to babysit today for four and a half hours, which was torture by boredom. Gus is so uninterested when he is sitting on the floor playing with blocks, but the second that I sit on the couch to read my book, he comes toddling over and starts to cry. What a spoiled, attention hogging little baby. I don't know what I'm going to do when I play soccer for those few months. I count on the money to buy stuff for school and save up for my computer. I am going to have a shit time trying to juggle everything once school starts. I can't even stay on task, because I've been trying to finish this one really boring book, and it's just not working!

I guess I just feel that everyone is mad or indifferent to me right now. I've tried being friends with Joe, and he just sort of ignores me now. He doesn't care to talk to me that much after I told him that I didn't want to be pushed into a relationship. Kerri has only been hanging out with me this week because her boyfriend wasn't around. My mom and dad have just been so very "blah" the past few days as well. Coupled with all this, I have to deal with the fact that summer is ticking away and that college applications are due in no more than a few months time. Plus, once I start school, the workload is going to be really heavy. I just don't think that I can deal with thinking about all of this right now, or the fact that things are going to start driving me insane. I can pretend that I don't care about any of it at all, but that would be very far from the truth.

I cleaned my room today...the closet was full of old junk that had to be gotten rid of. Other than that, I feel very unproductive. I don't know what I'm feeling. I can't stand feeling this way. I can't wait until I am done with soccer practice tomorrow. That will be one less thing to worry about. It will be a reassurance that I had a real reason for wanting to join the team, and that I can get through it all. I haven't been to a practice since before vacation, simply because there haven't been any. I need that reassurance right now, and I crave it. I need to remember why I am doing this and how much I want it. Then it will ease the urgency and the stress that the other problems are causing me. Right now, I just need to know that I am going to make it through this crazy and overwhelming part of life.

If I can work really hard with the time I have left, I can be prepared for the work that's going to face me at the end of the summer. So I am going to try to be a workaholic for these last weeks. I need to. Or else I don't know what I'm going to do when I'm buried to my eyes in papers and work.

But I think...what I really need to do right now is just to CHILL OUT.

Ciao.

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