I know that I would have been alright if it had not been for a few bad things. Last night, I did not get any sleep. I was up all night tossing and turning, and when I finally did get to sleep, I was plagued by nightmares that scared me half to death. I finally ended up getting up, all dizzy and spinning, and made it into my parents' room. One would think that at seventeen years old, such things as nightmares could be taken on one's own, but everytime I shut my eyes last night, the dreams came back. That usually never happens. I spent the majority of the night sleeping in their room with them, and then I got up around 6:30 and went into my room to sleep for another two hours or so. Needless to say, I did not get a lot of sleep last night. Another problem was the blisters. Even though they didn't hurt as much as they had yesterday, when I finally took off my socks and shinguards they were red and raw again. Plus there was all of this dirt and grass crap stuck on them. To make matters worse on top of everything, I had my period, and today is the heaviest day. So, while playing I was constantly in fear that I would end up with blood on my shorts or something. Any girl would agree that four hours out in the sun with all of these things combined would not be pleasant at all.
After it was all over, Jackie decided that she wanted to go to Dunkin Donuts to get something to eat before her mom came to pick us up. I walked into the store, and felt like I was going to throw up. The smell of muffins, bagels, and greasy egg sandwiches with bacon were more than I could stand to bear. I walked off to the bathroom and splashed my face with some cold water, hoping that I would not have to throw up. I didn't, which was good news to me. There's something about excercising or even a workout that will not allow me to eat directly after. When I finally got home, I noticed that the part in my hair was totally toasty, so I took out the bottle of aloe and just drew a line down the part with it. Then I went and flopped down on my bed and attempted to sleep. It didn't work that well, because after a half an hour or so, I realized that my head was pounding beyond belief. So, I got up, took a shower, had some advil and allergy medicine and tried to feel a bit better. My head just started feeling better now, and it's about 8:40 as I write this. I slept for about an hour from seven to eight, and then my mom woke me up so that I could pick out one of my portraits for the yearbook and whatever, because the previews are due back at the studio...uh, well...they were due back last Tuesday, but I just didn't make it.
I am not even going to get into how much better the other girls are at soccer, and how much I seem to suck. No matter what I did today, I didn't feel as if I did any of it right. I don't know why I am doing this to myself. I must have been on drugs when I agreed to do this. The only upside is that for some games we get to be dismissed early from school, and that we get a nice banquet and such at the end of the year. I know that there's a special banquet for varsity players as well, but now that I look at that, I don't think I am going to make varsity. As far as I can see, so far there are not enough people to make a junior varsity as well as a varsity team. This is my ticket to getting onto varsity. I don't even care if I don't get that much playing time. Sure, my feelings will be hurt a little, but it's not as if I don't know that I totally suck. I can already tell that I am going to hate some of the girls on the team. A lot of them are nice, but the few that play exceptionally well know it, and have an attitude towards me because I can't play as well. I seriously don't want anyone to be pissy with me if I make a mistake, beacause I'm trying my best not to. For the girls that are on other elite teams, I think that they've got enough going for them that they don't have to cry and rant over one lost high school game. I mean, let's get a life here. Games are supposed to be fun and challenging. They're not made to cause major meltdowns and kill people. Still, even though the coach is a bastard and makes us do a lot of stuff, I don't think that he's a really mean guy. He seems nice enough on the first encounter.
I have to decide when I am going to finish up the rest of my summer work. I have a little more than a week left. I know I can get it done, as it isn't really that much stuff at all. Still, I must get it done. I cannot fall behind and be finishing it all on the last day. Well, whatever. I worry way too much. I am terribly sorry to anyone who reads my diary; today all you'll find are complaints and me whining about stuff, but I think it was well deserved, because today was indeed horrible. Hopefully it will get easier as the week goes on. Otherwise...well, I can't quit this far into it. Otherwise I'll just have a mental breakdown.