One person that I did not previously hate but now do is Kerri. (Not my friend Kerri, the other Kerri at school.) She sits across from me in English, and every now and then I feel these evil glares being sent my way. I never even did anything to her! I always said hello to her and was very polite and had conversations with her. Now she hates me for some reason. I think I know what it was, though. She must have found out from Kaitlin that I like Chris, because she likes him too. And for this reason, she is silently attacking me from afar. It's not as if she has anything to be jealous of. I don't even talk to him; most of the time I ignore him and pretend he's not there. He doesn't talk to me either...It's like pulling teeth just to get a wave from him anyway. I wouldn't be surprised if he knew that I liked him either. I don't even care anymore. It doesn't matter to me. But back to Kerri. We were in the computer lab for math, working on Geometer's Sketchpad. She all of the sudden goes "Oh? Chris can you please help me? I can't see the mouse...what happened?" The voice that she said it in was so sickeningly sweet it disgusted me. I mean, I know that she tries to hang out with Joe and Chris and class and acts as if they're the best of friends, just because they've been to school together for an eternity. After he helped her, she said thank you in an even more sickening voice. He didn't say anthing back. Ha ha on you. Am I jealous? No. I'm just mad that she is mad at me when I don't even talk, flirt, make moves on, or even try to attract the attention of this kid. If this is what I have to put up with, it's not worth it. I'll wait for someone to come to ME.
I didn't get to write last night, as I got into a brawl with my dad, and he wouldn't let me use the computer. I'm not even supposed to be using it now, but priorities, you know. Umm..I went to the first student council meeting today. It was okay. I was thinking about what it would be like to get old. I don't want to be old at all. I mean, what can you do when you are nintey years old? When I am that old, who will love me? Who will even be alive that I know? I don't want to be left here all alone. I never want to be lonely a day that I live. I haven't been, since I've been born. The times I may feel lonely go away, and don't last. To really be lonely would be the worst thing in the world, I've come to conclude. I don't want to get old. I can't get old. I don't want to stay young either. I damn well know I don't want to be reincarnated either. Thank God that is not part of my religion. Not that I don't respect it as being part of other's religions, but I could not tolerate living on this earth for another lifetime. With my luck I would get stuck in a bad something. I would probably end up being a snail or a tree. Trees can't feel emotion, as far as I know. They stand there, all day, every day. I sure hope that all of this faith in heaven will get me into the pearly gates. I am sometimes skeptical of these religious matters, but it is important to beleive in something, and I was born into the relgion, so why not keep it? It doesn't make sense to me all of the time, but that's okay. I know what it's all about in the end.
Do you see why my life is stressful? I worry all the time. Constantly. Almost always about something that I can do nothing about. I mean, what's the use? I can't help it though. I always always always do. Even when I am happy, I always manage to ruin the mood by thinking of something bad. It's a curse I have put on myself, I think.
I think it's the people that I am around constantly. I can't stand it. I really can't. Even Arshan, who is from Kennedy, is rather cliquey with those kids. He acts as if he is some sort of non-conformist, then he goes and works with them in class, every time, guarenteed. Kathleen spent a year at the school, and she is not like that. Ah, Kathleen, she is so nice...she makes and awesome friend. I wish I was better friends with Micheal as well. He would make the bestest most awesome friend too. But I don't want to bug him, as he seems rather happy with the friends that he has now. I always see him in homeroom, but he barely talks to me anymore. He doesn't come home with us anymore either. I don't know where he goes. He used to get so mad at Min when she wouldn't come home with us. Now he does the same thing. It's kind of funny. I don't mind, but it's just one of those stupid ironic things. He is so perfect as a friend, and he's really funny at times. But I don't think he is the romantic type at all, so I know he would not make a really good boyfriend, unless he really wanted to be. It is cool though, because he seems like he is waiting for something, rather than getting a girlfriend for no reason. I guess we have some of the same values...I think that's what I mean. It's not too often that I find someone with the same values as me. People like that can be good friends.
I seriously want to be friends with everyone in the world. I know it may sound like a stupid idea, but I never make any enemies on my own. The people that I talk about that I don't like, well, I don't like them very much, but I could still become friends with them if they were willing and not such jerks. I see people on the street sometimes, and I just tell myself that I would like to be their friend. It's true. Everyone has something interesting to say, or at least one story to tell. Everyone is capable of being nice. It's just programmed in your humaness. I mean, why would anyone want any enemies? To make their life miserable? I am SO capeable of becoming friends with anyone. Once you're my friend, I'll be your friend for life. I'll help you out whenever I can, however I may. I try my best to be a good friend. Granted, I don't call people up a lot, but if they call me, I am always willing to talk, do something, listen, whatever. It's really hard for people to see that, though, I think. I mean, sometimes I wonder what people think of me. I thrive on that. If people don't like me, I feel awful about it, and try to make them like me by taking a different approach. In school, I barely talk to anyone but my friends, and I probably come off a lot like a snob. But I probably confuse people becuause I have all of this cute and happy stuff. I mean, imagine a very serious looking girl walking down the hall with pigtail braids and a powerpuff girls bookcover on her book. I must be sending mixed signals. I don't care. I'm complex. I'm really screwed up too. I say I don't care what people think of me, then I try to make them like me. Really screwed up.
Okay, so that is some of the random stuff that has been running though my head. Ah, does it feel good to get it all out. I think I will go and do some pilates excercises now. They look like fun. Plus, I like the name. Pilates. <3! I got new tights today with an opening in the foot so that you can stuff lambswool in them. Yay. Okay, back to the excercises.