i've been true, from the start, but i can't wait forever
2000-09-16 @ 10:28 p.m.

I am sitting here in secret, still banned from the computer. I don't care if I get in trouble...I mean, it's not like I am always in the doghouse for something in this family. Today was really sucky, but I felt a lot better after I cried my eyes out. I know now that I am not going to Spain, and it's because of the money. There is no way that we're going to be able to get that much money in the span of three months. So, I'll have to sit this one out. I have been really depressed over that for the past day or so. No one has ever told me that I couldn't do something because of not having enough money. It was quite a shock to my system. But I realized that it was the truth, and it still makes me mad to think that I can't go, but crying really helped. I don't know why, but I felt better after that. My dad is still being really mean to me.

We went to church today, my dad and I, and he didn't even speak to me the whole time. For people who aren't accustomed with the Roman Catholic faith, there is a time in the mass where the participants show a sign of peace toward each other, which involves shaking hands with the people who are around you, and kissing your family, if you are so inclined. Well, my dad didn't even want to shake my hand, and he barely wanted to kiss me, which made me feel awful throughout the rest of the mass. I feel so rejected when my parents are mad at me. My mother almost never gets mad at me, but my dad seems to be perpetually mad at me. He didn't talk to me the whole day at all either. It's his birthday, so I suppose that I have to be at least civil to him. I guess that is what I have to do. Even though I don't want to. He just yelled at me now because I am using the internet. I'm not getting off until I finish this. I don't care, I really don't. I am so sick of people telling me what to do all the time.

I went to the mall today with my mother, which was a load of not-fun. We had to return our microwave because the display is totally faded, and you can't read the numbers half of the time. They didn't have any of the microwave that we wanted, so we had to get a refund, which was a pain. Then we had to return a shirt that I bought and then didn't like, and I lost the sales slip, so we got five dollars less than what we paid for it. Then we went up to A&F because I wanted to look at my peacoat that I am lusting after. *heh* They didn't have any size medium, so I tried on a small, which still fit. So, I wanted to get it, but my mom said that it would have to be for Christmas. While I was trying it on, Jackie, Kristen, and Colleen walked on by and saw me in the store so they came in to say hello. Kristen just kind of scowled, while Jackie talked to me and my mom. Kristen's gotten really snobby after becoming a cheerleader. She looked at the price on the coat and pointed it out to Colleen, telling here that it was a stupidly high amount of money for a coat. I had it on, and I wanted it, but she had to make a comment on it. She is going to think that I am a snob now for spending that much money on a coat. I don't really care. If it makes me happy, and I can spend the money on it, then why not? I swear, I don't get what she was getting at. Then she sent me an im asking if I got the coat. I guess I am not going to live this down. I can think of people who are snobs for worse things. It's gotten to the point where I don't care what people are going to think. If you don't want to be my friend, fine. I don't need you either.

I have a lot of homework to do this weekend, but I finished most of it already. I have been getting pretty good at doing tasks. Probably because I have no life. I don't care. Having no life is cool. I could have gone to Spain. Too bad I didn't have a job.

Speaking of which, the spazzy girl who took my application for Old Navy and ripped my self esteem apart was at Sears today, picking out shirts and ties for her husband, as they were going to some function or another. She was asking my mom and I which ones we thought matched the best and stuff like that. I didn't want to help her because she was the mean lady who didn't accept my application, but I was nice and decided to tell her my honest opinion. Really, though, she was buying a purple shirt and a grey tie. If I was I guy, I would not wear that. But oh well.

I better get off before I get my booty kicked...hah.

Ciao...

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