I am going off the deep end with school. All the teachers are rearing up to give exams now, and they all decided to do it at the same time. I'm going to have three tests this week, which does not fill me with much joy.
I've learned something about Chris that makes me take few steps back. I was on the bus with Guillermo and Min today, and Gui was telling me about a party that he had gone to at one of his friend's house, and Chris was there. He said he sauntered up and was completely blazed and drunk out his mind. Maybe I don't want him after all. I don't need any of that in my life. Sure, I have friends who do that stuff, but I would never want to get totally wrapped up in it, and I wouldn't want to be with someone who was wrapped up in it either. It's as simple as that. Maybe all of the things I thought that were nice about him were just magnified because I liked him or something. I don't know. No one knows how many times I debate these things in my head, over and over and over again. I can't make up my mind about him anymore...I mean, he still has a girlfriend too. You would think I would stop liking him finally. In November, it will be a year. November 7 or 17. I don't remember, but it was the night of the Goya dance. If any night was bad, that one was it. That dance was awful. Well at least next time I will be prepared. I am much more accustomed to the city dance scene now. Maybe one of these days I will just try to get rid of all of my sorrows, if only for a night. But at times like that, one is most vulnerable and in a lot of danger in many aspects. So maybe I'd better not. Friends. Friends are the key to keeping your sanity, because like family, they are people who understand you and actually care about you. They understand a lot better than family as well.
I don't know what to wear tomorrow. I wish it would cut out with the frickin' hot weather already. The summer was crappy and cool, and now fall is turning into some sort of summer that we never had. I hate it. Give me sweaters and pants any day...I hate wearing short sleeves.
Three years. Three years I have been thinking about Chris. If I don't get with him at all, then I bet by the end of high school I will have some major regrets. Still. It is very sad, you know. I deserve better.
Today Min and Kathleen were arguing over me. *L* They were both fighting over who was my best friend. I thought it was really funny actually. Min never said that she and I were best friends, but I guess that we are now. I am happy about it. We are in all of the same classes and walk home almost every day. It is so nice to have yet another best friend. I would be best friends with everyone in my class if they would let me. But that is yet to be seen. Christina seems rather cold toward me lately. I don't know why. Today we were singing the Michelle ma belle song in the hallway at school, but still, she just doesn't seem like she used to be. Maybe I have a warped sense of vision. Oh well, stuff happens.
I swear, I was just thinking of something. My Guillermo better not start getting into any illegal activities. I will kick him to the moon and back again. I think I would be able to tell if he were doing anything, though. He cannot keep many secrets from me. He will tell me anything as long as I ask. If I asked him, I would get a straight answer. But I really wouldn't want to know. As long as I don't see any proof, then I won't question it. I don't want to make him mad. Still, he best keep himself clean as a sparkly new whistle, 'cos I'll be on his case for an eternity plus one. I don't know why I act as such an annoying informational-giver to him. I guess it's just because I love him so much and don't want to see anything bad happen to him. Yeah, that's gotta be it.
My parents are being a bunch of bitches about the Spain trip. My dad now tells me that the money is not an issue, but he does not want me to be out of the country. Why don't you just lock me in my frigging room for a year? That would keep me close to you. I don't understand what he is so concerned with. I tried to reason with them, and tried to explain just what I felt. They just didn't understand my dream. How could I tell them anything, when I know they won't understand. They just don't see it my way. They just don't understand it my way, and I see it perfectly theirs. But they don't care that I'm not going. I know it doesn't hurt them to see me sitting on the floor, crying. They keep saying that I am being typical and childish. Then, they have the audacity to tell me they know how I FEEL. No one but me knows how I feel. So don't even tell me how I feel. I would just as soon smack you across the face. I will never get over this. I am going to be bitchy as well as permanently scarred for life. They keep stressing over the fact that something bad is going to happen to me. Fricking stubborn. Then I told them that I hoped something bad happened to me. Then they would see that bad things aren't necessarily things that happen far away. You know what? I don't care. I told them if I died tomorrow, I wouldn't care. Nothing would matter to me. Wouldn't you worry about your sister, me, and daddy? That's what my mom asked me. No, I seriously am that selfish and do not care about anyone else once I am gone. Maybe I'll go to hell and burn. I don't care anymore. At this point, I DON'T CARE. It is one of those rare moments when I know that no one understands me. They think I'm selfish for wanting to go. Selfish is part of human nature. They made me this way. If they didn't want it, then they shouldn't have made me this way. Who knows? Maybe I'll take my money out of the bank and fly over to England tomorrow? There's nothing anyone can do to stop me.
You try living in this house, with these parents. See if you can cope. I'm going to have a mental breakdown.